Symptom cocktail

Over the last few days I was a little worried as I didn’t have a lot to write about. Of course, that’s a good thing as I was basically symptom-free. But yesterday my BPD kicked in to remind me that I’m still a little weirdo πŸ˜€

I was triggered by a tiny little event, one of those every day things that just occur if you are in contact with other people. It made me angry. Very angry. Within a second I went from happily enjoying a nice evening to shaking with fury. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I paced up and down in my room, dizzy because of all that rage inside me. I was on the verge of cutting because I just didn’t care. I had to get rid of this incredible tension. The only thing that kept me from cutting was yet another symptom: I devaluated the person who had triggered me to a point where I thought “this individual is not worth it”. When I’m in such a state I’m a horrible person. Please don’t tell me how I’m worth being treated kindly nevertheless in the comments. I am capable of thinking things that make me shiver when I get back to normal. My head can be really cruel and I’m just glad that I don’t tend to saying the things I think in such a state out loud.

Anyway, as I had to do something I did what lots of people always tell me to: When you’re angry, shout or hit a cushion. I’m terrible at yelling, I just can’t do it as I feel ridiculous doing it. So hitting a cushion it is. It kind of worked as afterwards I felt a little calmer and was able to see reason. But I don’t think what I did was what people mean by hitting a cushion: I hit a punch pad over and over againΒ to the rythm of the music playing. At the moment I didn’t feel the skin peeling from my knuckles. When I saw it, I kept going until I was exhausted.

Is this self-harm now? After all, I tried to cope and I kept myself from cutting although I was as tensed as I can be.
Is it uncontrolled rage? Or just the loss of feeling the body?

A weird cocktail of symptoms I guess. And today, I feel as if nothing happened. I’m calm, I’m pleasant and the only thing that tells me it wasn’t just a movie I saw is my bruised hand…so, I’m still a weirdo, there’s still lots of stuff to write about πŸ˜‰

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10 thoughts on “Symptom cocktail

  1. I haven’t written elaborately about my rage attacks yet, mainly because it’s a complex story. But I will someday!
    When I got triggered at first I lost control and went into all-out-war mode like the Hulk. Hitting something was not enough. I had to DESTROY something, afterwards I would feel guilty about it and guess what: it triggered another attavk of rage.

    It took a lot of medication, therapy and Buddhism to help me cope. I now feel the attack coming and can de-escalate. I see my rage as a fire I need to put out, because when I leave it burning it will consume me.

    I try to see that there is no problem when someone offends me. The problem exists because I recognise it as a problem. You can also see your rage as grasping a piece of burning coal. Those visualisations help. But I also erupt into rage now and then, it’s just not as intense as it used to be and I can regain control again in a relatively short time.

    My therapist told me this is a lighter form of self harm. I did it also because cutting hurt too much (as if hitting things doesn’t hurt) I enjoyed the pain. My hands are scarred and they were stitched multiple times. The pain would trigger more rage, untill it became so intense that hitting something hurt too much. That would de-escalate the situation in the end.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this honest and open comment, this is very interesting for me.
      To me, it is something completely new to act on my anger, to do really anything. For me, rage was something that felt like fainting, really powerless and I always just felt like choking when I was angry which led to a lot of cutting in the long term. I never had rage attacks like people imagine them as I just felt kind of stupefied.
      Acting like yesterday was more of an experiment as my therapist always urged me to get my anger out somehow…but I still wouldn’t call it an achievement.
      I always tried to stay calm, to not let anything out. Now that I’ve tried letting it out I’m really not sure what the better option is 😦

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      1. Buddhism teaches that letting anger out or ‘venting’ it is no solution. I started martial arts in order to gain self-control and to build self confidence. That worked, but it also taught me how strong I was physically and that aggression was rewarded! That was not good! It intensified my urge to fight and destroy. Letting the anger out indeed is no achievement. It’s giving in to your anger.

        The way I see it is that the anger is a part of you (I always tried to deny the anger as coming from within myself. I projected it on external causes). Now, when I feel the anger I first step out of the situation. I go into another space when possible and move away from the person or the object that infuriates me, thus eliminating the external trigger.

        I then sit down and meditate on my anger. I first try to see that I am the problem, my own anger, mine. I am also my own solution. The anger is part of me, it’s the other side of my happy state. Ok. Then I try to smile at my anger (literally!) and I think: ” I know I am angry. I am angry because of…… My anger is like fire, don’t let it burn me down. I cannot change what I’m angry about. I can change my own anger. I douse the flames with thoughts of good things (my dog, my partner, the great outdoors).”

        Being angry doesn’t solve the problem.
        Venting anger creates new causes to feel sorry or guilty which sparks new anger.
        I smile at my anger, I don’t let it burn me. I carry enough scars as it is.

        I still do lose control sometimes. But even with anger slapping me in the face at such times, I still keep smiling with cracked teeth and black eyes πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The end of your comment really made me smile, thanks for taking so much time to write this!
        I don’t think that acting out on anger is a solution either but it’s what my therapists always told me to do…
        And I tried to meditate on anger very often, I totally see your point and I really agree. But as I’m extremely inhibited about aggression (and I don’t just mean destroying things) I end up fuming for hours until I hurt myself one way or another. I don’t feel that my anger ever stops, no matter how much I meditate. I don’t even bother to look at external sources, I’m perfectly aware that it’s me and my anger and my problem. But this just further infuriates me as I get angry with myself for not being more patient or kind or whatever. And that makes me feel helplessly angry and kind of petrified again. It’s so frustrating, I’m starting to rant again πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      3. No problem. For me it’s a process of sharing, learning, inspiring and being inspired. As I said, blogging is a form of meditatiin too πŸ˜‰ .
        Lingering anger is very frustrating. But when you see it’s your own anger you are well underway in my opinion. Now keep on trying to think when you get angry. It will take many tries and efforts, but one day you’ll keep smiling at anger! You’ll get there!
        Just don’t punch your anger in the face, since you’ll only hurt yourself.

        And if venting is the best option you’d punch a pillow or a heavy bag (when I was angry I hung upside down on my heavy bag), better than breaking stuff (or your own hands or feet) πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I love your attitude, thanks for all the inspiration πŸ™‚
        Thank you so much, I certainly do hope that you’re right about this!
        Right, I’ll just have to try different approaches I guess. And I try to focus on the fact that anger doesn’t get me anywhere. I still can’t help it but rationalizing things has always been my way of dealing with difficult situations…
        And before I forget…I wish you a very nice weekend πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve seen rage as completely wanting to destroy a person and blocking them out of your life. This rage feels so real – it’s almost as it if it’s burning right in front of you, like an actually flame waning and waxing with your feelings.

    Random question, but do you cry when you are angry? Does BPD mix your emotions up?

    Like

    1. Oh yes, I know what you mean!
      I used to when I was a child, it happens quite rarely nowadays…and if it does it makes me even more furious^^
      What do you mean by BPD mixing my emotions up?

      Like

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