Over the last few days I was a little worried as I didn’t have a lot to write about. Of course, that’s a good thing as I was basically symptom-free. But yesterday my BPD kicked in to remind me that I’m still a little weirdo 😀
I was triggered by a tiny little event, one of those every day things that just occur if you are in contact with other people. It made me angry. Very angry. Within a second I went from happily enjoying a nice evening to shaking with fury. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I paced up and down in my room, dizzy because of all that rage inside me. I was on the verge of cutting because I just didn’t care. I had to get rid of this incredible tension. The only thing that kept me from cutting was yet another symptom: I devaluated the person who had triggered me to a point where I thought “this individual is not worth it”. When I’m in such a state I’m a horrible person. Please don’t tell me how I’m worth being treated kindly nevertheless in the comments. I am capable of thinking things that make me shiver when I get back to normal. My head can be really cruel and I’m just glad that I don’t tend to saying the things I think in such a state out loud.
Anyway, as I had to do something I did what lots of people always tell me to: When you’re angry, shout or hit a cushion. I’m terrible at yelling, I just can’t do it as I feel ridiculous doing it. So hitting a cushion it is. It kind of worked as afterwards I felt a little calmer and was able to see reason. But I don’t think what I did was what people mean by hitting a cushion: I hit a punch pad over and over again to the rythm of the music playing. At the moment I didn’t feel the skin peeling from my knuckles. When I saw it, I kept going until I was exhausted.
Is this self-harm now? After all, I tried to cope and I kept myself from cutting although I was as tensed as I can be.
Is it uncontrolled rage? Or just the loss of feeling the body?
A weird cocktail of symptoms I guess. And today, I feel as if nothing happened. I’m calm, I’m pleasant and the only thing that tells me it wasn’t just a movie I saw is my bruised hand…so, I’m still a weirdo, there’s still lots of stuff to write about 😉