Currently, I’ve stumbled over homepages by ex-partners of borderlines quite often. There are many of them who just feel bad because they can’t cope with the interplay between idealization and devaluation which is perfectly understandable. It’s really comprehensible that one can’t make sense of everything being perfect one day and being treated with hostility the next. I don’t doubt that a relationship with someone who suffers from a mental disorder can be strenuous and requires a lot of emotional strength. It’s good that there are homepages where affected relatives can exchange experciences.
But then there are some (and not so few – just google “borderline separation” or “borderline ex” and see what’s coming) people who create sites about how borderlines are downright monsters. These “deliberately destroyed” individuals actually warn others that people with BPD “target weak persons as they are easier to manipulate”. According to these homepages there are “more damaged ex-partners of borderlines in psychiatric institutions than people who have BPD themselves”. Furthermore there are warnings as “people with BPD are generally ready to use violence, unable to accept compromises and without any empathy” and “the destruction of property as well as the emptying of bank accounts happen all the time”.
I collected these statements from different homepages (and tried to give the gist of them) and I don’t want to criticise anyone in particular. What makes me so speechless is that exactly these “healthy” individuals always blame us (borderlines) for our black-and-white thinking, our “all or nothing” when they actually claim that all people with BPD are dangerous monsters who are incapable of any human feeling, especially not love.
I don’t want to glorify BPD, I’m aware that I act in irrational ways very often and that it’s really not easy for my partner. I know that it’s terrible when a person you love acts completely unpredictably, takes drugs or even manipulates you.
It just makes me angry when all those who have this diagnosis are lumped together and when people who are supposed to support their (ex)-partners suddenly stop trying to understand things that are perfectly explainable.
I’m sorry for everyone who was intentionally deceived by their partner, for every victim of violence, for every person who was mistreated in a relationship. But it’s really not like every interpersonal good-for-nothing has BPD and every person with BPD is an interpersonal good-for-nothing, right? I don’t know what people who make untrue allegations about persons with a severy mental disorder are hoping for and I don’t think it shows much sensitivity.
All the more is it important that we all talk about it – that we people with a diagnosis are honest with our (potential) partners and explain to them what our difficulties are and that we find a way to cope together. Important also, that partners of people with BPD talk about the way it can be really frustrating – but also about the way it can work out. And important that we see how prejudices are just as inappropriate as everywhere else in life. Because no person is like the other – also (or particularly) not people with BPD!