Sometimes I wonder…

…what my life would be like without my personality disorder. I mean, what would I do with all the time and energy I’m spending on functioning, smiling, containing myself, maintaining eye contact, keeping going, not cutting, relativising emotions, watching, filling the emptiness, getting up, being friendly, thinking,…?

What’s a life like in which you don’t feel “somehow different” all the time? And I don’t just mean being excluded at school and reading too much. I mean – what is it like to always feel your body and to never feel like life is an incredibly overstimulating video game?

What is it like to just feel emotions, to love, cry and get angry but never thinking you can only stay here if you see your own blood flow?

What does love feel like if you don’t think you’ll have to die without the person you hold dear?

What it it like to tell someone how you are and never hearing that it’s actually “normal” or else being looked at, completely shocked and then being labelled attention-seeking?

How does it feel if you don’t have to monitor yourself all day long because your thoughts are ticking bombs? What is it like to just not think for a while?

To cut a long story short: What would my life be like if it was just like today all the time? A slight headache but symptom-free concerning psycho-stuff, just “normal”? It’s almost weird not to have exaggerated emotions but still not feeling empty. I enjoy these days, they feel like little breaks. Probably I would get bored of I felt like this all the time, I’d start being ungrateful for sure. But it still would be quite interesting what it would be like permanently.

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