Yes, I’m aware it’s just the middle of January but I can already see that the sun is shining a little stronger, that the days are getting longer and that the air doesn’t smell like ice anymore. And I’m so glad. This winter wasn’t nearly as hard as the last one, in about three weeks I’m going south to see more sun and when I’ll get back it will be nearly March. That sounds very much like spring.
Every year I have much more energy in spring and it carries me right into a productive high in June. I don’t want to tell myself that there are “good” and “bad” seasons but it’s just my experience. When the asphalt smells of a summer storm in the bright sunlight, panic attacks don’t feel so dark. Dozing off in the sun isn’t as depressive as hiding under a blanket in the darkness and even though you can see the scars much better I don’t feel that invisible with tanned skin. When the senses can enjoy soft grass and colourful flowers and warm wind it is hard to believe one can feel so empty. Obviously I still can but summer just makes it wonderfully hard to believe that living doesn’t make any sense.
And that is why I see the sun that’s shining through my window as a herald of spring 🙂