…when it’s lurking behind you…

I don’t like panic attacks. That’s perfectly natural, it’s not something you’re looking forward to. But it’s alright as long as it is what it’s “supposed to be”: A slap in the face, the urge to run away and your body going stiff within a second, no air, just ice on your skin and you’re falling…you can’t do anything about it.

The longer I work on it, the more breathing exercises I’m doing, the more I get out of triggering situations, so all in all the more I care for myself and do what everyone advises me to, the less panic attacks I have.
But: There is a new problem – I often feel an attack coming days before it actually does come. As if there was a weaker form of it, no actual panic but still a very fast pulse, the urge to run, a diffuse fear, a feeling as if someone was lurking behind me all the time. It’s even more unpleasant than an actual panic attack as it lasts much longer. I can breathe and go to my safe place as much as I want, the feeling only stops after real panic. Everything’s “alright” as soon as an attack is over.

And honestly, I prefer a real panic attack and being okay for a few days or weeks afterwards compared to being unfocused and nervous and knowing it just takes a tiny little thing for days on end…
Sometimes I fear that I’m actually making self-fulfilling prophecies here but I guess I can’t do much more than paying attention to my physical reactions and then breathe and try to relax…but it’s still lurking until it finally jumps up at me…

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One thought on “…when it’s lurking behind you…

  1. …a fellow blogger just explained (on the German version of my blog) that this state is called “status panicus”…just in case anyone wants to do some reading.

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