Why I stopped seeing my therapist

As I mention that therapy didn’t work for me quite often I thought it might be a good thing to explain properly what happened. My therapy ended due to a combination of financial and timing wise issues and the loss of confidence that followed. But if I had been happy with my therapy before, I wouldn’t have given up so easily. So what went wrong?

First of all, it’s very difficult to get a therapy place and you have to wait very long if you don’t have the money to pay for it yourself. Additionally, many therapists refuse to treat people with BPD in the first place. So when I found a therapist who agreed to treat me I didn’t feel in the position to question if I wanted to go there. I didn’t inform myself about the method, I just was relieved because I had something to hold on to. My therapist knew a lot about BPD and never tried to sedate me with meds, that was good enough for me. Maybe I was naive but who knows where I would be without the help I got.

In the beginning everything was just easier by having a name for my being different all the time and somebody who explained it to me. Someone who told me it was okay to feel bad, that it was actually “normal” and that I wasn’t just a wimp. That way, my therapist helped me a lot with accepting myself for what I am.
In our first session she explained that her method (individual psychology) worked in a way where I had to lie on a couch and she was sitting behing me. I knew that from movies and jokes about Freud but it still felt weird. She said I would get used to it and that was true to a certain extent…but even if it was good not to see her judging me (I guess that’s the point here), having somebody in my back has never felt good for me.
It never felt like two equals talking but rather like I was a kid and she was the all-knowing primary school teacher. Sometimes I was praised for tiny little things but then again something that was huge and awesome for me (like my new job) was dismissed as with a disdainful gesture. And because she was all-knowing and because I didn’t have any other option of getting a therpist I never felt in the position to tell her this.

All in all one could say that therapy was a situation where I had to tell someone about my life in an honest way whom I couldn’t tell how I felt with her in an equally honest way and all that so that she could judge me without even having to look me in the eye.

And I haven’t even talked about the content yet: The method was about me defining the topics. When I had something acute to talk about, that wasn’t a problem at all. But sooner or later I didn’t have anything to say anymore – I felt as if I had told her about every single potentially traumatizing event and I kept repeating the same stories over and over again. Someone who knows me just by written stuff will not believe this but I am not good at just firing away about my condition. I wanted my therapist to ask something, I longed for her to give me a clue about what I was supposed to tell her. Instead she told me in a very accusing tone that she couldn’t help me if I didn’t bring any material. I racked my brains, I really, really tried. I looked for answers to questions she refused to ask. At some point, we were silent. Then she wanted more money. Then I left.

That doesn’t sound like a success but if I hadn’t been in therapy I know I would’ve had to go to a clinic sooner or later. My therapist gave me support and a way to see myself at least a little. And a lot of courage. I try to see that and not what happened then. Maybe I wasn’t at the point where I could do it, maybe it was the wrong method for me. In any case, it was still an experience I am grateful for.

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14 thoughts on “Why I stopped seeing my therapist

  1. I’m glad you stopped if it made you feel uncomfortable.
    For some people, therapy doesn’t work. Or the type of therapy doesn’t work. Or the individual therapist is a stupid ass. She sounds like a cunt for making you feel bad. She shouldn’t make you feel bad. You feel bad enough.
    I gave up on traditional therapy. They keep throwing me in DBT and “mindfulness” shit and honestly it didn’t help at all. And I would tell them, after months, I wasn’t experiencing any benefit and they would either a) tell me to leave b) accuse me of doing it wrong. Like, they are a god? No. They have a 4 year community college degree and passed with a B average. *sigh*

    Good luck to you and I am glad you found some benefit.

    xoxo
    Drem

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Drem, thanks for your comment. I don’t think it helps to call her names because, after all, it could very well have been just my impression so whatever. But yeah, I totally agree that too many doctors etc. think they are gods, that’s super annoying…
      Anyway, good luck to you as well, thank you so much for your compassion and keep your awesome blog going 🙂

      Like

      1. it’s ok. i’m just never politically correct. I’m a native New Yorker. I have the mouth of a sailor, even to people I love. I guess it’s a culture thing.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Nina,

    I’m still in therapy. Sometimes I really need it, but some days I also have to come up with topics and it all feels pretty useless. But whenever I have a big setvack it’s therapy that helps. It is also a piece of leverage for the official instances, which recognise that you are ‘officially’ working on yourself through therapy sessions. I have a great therapist. I can e-mail or call him outside of regular sessions whenever anything happens. I usually start therapy sessions by telling him everything that happened since our last meeting and we start reflecting on it. My health insurance covers everything, except for the ‘own risk’ which I have to pay for myself.

    A brave decision you made. I don’t know you personally, but from what I read on your blog and what I can learn from our online conversations I understand that you made the right choice. A choice that suits you best at the right moment. Way to go!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment, your therapist sounds amazing – I’m glad for you that you get so much support!
      My insurance covered everything as well but my therapist frankly told me that she doesn’t get as much from my insurance as she would if I paid for myself…
      Whatever, I can imagine what a great support therapy can be and I also see what you mean about the official instances.
      I know it was the right decision to see my therapist at the time and if I ever need help again I hope, I’ll get it.
      Thanks especially for the last thing you said, it’s good to hear that others respect my choice and that I don’t come across as a self-pitying whiner 😀
      All the best for you and your therapy – keep going and keep writing awesome things 🙂
      Nina

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Some people despise psychologists and therapists and they tend to avoid them, even when they need professional help. My mother’s mental illness showed me how important professional care is. Others often think that a therapist is some kind of magician who can cure you with medication and words, but you will have to walk the path yourself and medication is only a temporary way to support you untill you are strong enough. That’s a subject I still want to blog about.

        At some point you will have to walk without help. You ‘outgrow’ your therapy and arrive at the point where you go on alone. As long as you can fall back on your therapist when the need arises, everything’s fine.

        I waited for 9 months to start therapy by the way. 9 months of sheer hell.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I totally agree…I’m personally very sceptical when it comes to medication – as long as possible I want to have my feelings, unbiased by chemicals.
        But I also think that professional care is extremely important – I don’t know anyone with a mental illness who’s doing really well without any help. I like the point you make about “outgrowing” – you just have to know when it’s time to get help and when it’s enough I guess.

        Like

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