Another post about one of my most important topics: being alone/with others – in the light of recent events. First of all, I want to say a few words about what my impressions of these things had been until two years ago, therefore, what I perceive as “normal” for myself:
Generally I always felt that I had too little time on my own to think, calm down, read, whatever. I felt that other people overran me, especially in groups of let’s say ten persons who are all talking and therefore being quite noisy (that’s why I love playing games – everbody is focused on one thing). Large, anonymous groups of people as in concerts have always been okay, as well as small groups (my favourite group size is three persons including me, no confusion but I also don’t have to focus on one person all the time like I have to in a four-eye-meeting). Whatever, I’m straying.
I remember often making a pretext of being tired or having to go to the toilet in order to have some peace throughout my teenage-time. I especially looked forward to the months in New Zealand because I was going to be far away from people in my tent somewhere outside. I’d never have understood someone who was scared of being alone, I laughed about people who always needed someone around and felt superior because I was content on my own. A long-distance relationship was perfect for me as I didn’t have to see my partner all the time and was not in need of explanations!
Always the most diffcult (until today) was switching from alone-mode to company-mode and the other way round. Especially when I had/have to switch unexpectedly.
As much about the background. About two years ago all that changed when I started to let my partner into my life more and more. For the whole time in NZ i feared that I would lose him and suddenly it didn’t feel oh so great to live in a cottage in the woods on my own…what were all those experiences worth when I couldn’t share them?
Since I’ve been back, we’ve been able to see each other every day, before that, our relationship was a long-distance one. In September 2014 I had my huge breakdown and I didn’t know myself anymore: I was a dependent little frightened something that was scared of the things happening when left on its own. It wasn’t so much being alone itself but more the fact that I felt I didn’t exist anymore when nobody was around. I called people and had to suppress the urge to ask them whether I was really here. Two days without my partner were unthinkable for me and always ended in self-harm. Without any body contact I used to jolt every few minutes at night and all in all I didn’t see any sense in keeping fighting. The time on my own was only bearable by obsessively doing things until I was exhausted (mind you, I had a very clean flat then), my body couldn’t have done that for long…
And now today: From Friday to Sunday I wasn’t home (going away is easier than being left behind) und since Saturday my partner is on a holiday (coming back tomorrow). After my experiences over the past two years I was more scared of these days than I was able to admit. I’ve lasted without dissociation, depersonalisation and self-harm for so long – would this be the end of my good phase? The answer is NO!!! No, I’m fine, still! Admittedly, I could still fall but I handled the biggest part of it, even managed to enjoy it. I treated myself well, used my free time as such. Eating alone without reading still doesn’t work but at least I cooked some fancy things all for myself like I did years ago!
I don’t know if it’s better because I’m more stable, because I have Loki the cat who reacts to me or if it’s just coincidence and everything could crash any minute.
Of course, my head thinks it’s all over, that I did it and will never again be the miserably clinging version of myself. Not realistic but being happy doesn’t work within bounds either.
I cannot say whether my hermit-attitude was better than the extreme-cuddle-version, I guess it’s one of those times where I have to find the right balance – which my emotions work against! How am I supposed to enjoy company when people force me to leave my body? And how could I enjoy being alone when I have to avoid mirrors in order not to think there’s a stranger in my flat?
But it doesn’t matter why and what and where – the last days are one more huge success 🙂