Sometimes I wonder where I would be today if it wasn’t for my discipline. Quite often, I only get up in the morning because I’ aware that I have to as soon as the alarm rings. I know for sure that I would stay in bed if I allowed myself to wonder if it really makes sense to get up for a mere second.
What would have happened if I hadn’t automatically done well at school? If I wasn’t such a control freak that drugs make me feel scared – would I ever have started taking them? Where would my friendships be if I wouldn’t drag myself to meetings although there are too many people in cafes? What would have happened to me if I hadn’t always done my work well, despite all the stuff going on inside my head? What if I hadn’t always been so controlled that the cuts weren’t too deep and no scars left in visible spots?
And the truth is: I don’t wanna know. Don’t ask me where I take the strength to keep going on from – I really don’t feel I have that strength. Sometimes I’m just a well functioning automatism because I think that is less exhausting than explaining what the hell went wrong. Smiling is just a movement of muscles, that is less effort than answering honestly to a “How are you?”.
There is a mirror in my life. Somebody who shows me what happens if you add a little affinity for drugs to my condition and take away a little conscientiousness. This mirror scares me as, even if nobody wants to believe that, there is not much difference between us. Just a few years and a little discipline.
Whatever, I probably shouldn’t blog in the morning before I got some light – my weekend was great. On Friday I was completely empty, just an empty shell and everything was grey. And then I baked cookies with my wonderful mum and my awesome partner 🙂 On Saturday I talked through the night with a few (not too many) great people and I spent yesterday on the couch. A wonderful weekend. So great that I will make it through this grey Monday!