“I just couldn’t get out of bed…”

Somebody said so today with tears in his eyes. Somebody I really like although I don’t know him very well. Somebody whom I’ve seen struggling to merely keep going for weeks. Somebody who deserves a little silver lining.

And I understand him so well. How often have I been at a point where I needed all my strength to change my pajamas. And then started crying because I was already exhausted although I hadn’t even gotten to point one on my to do-list.

It hurt so much to see this person like that today. But considering how much I felt with him, I see that I finally have some sympathy for myself, that I start to realize that parts of the things going on inside my head are indeed terrible. My therapist spent a long time telling me that I was ill. Not because she wanted me to feel bad but because she wanted me to see that I am allowed to be whacked. Now I am there. It hurts to see somebody in the same state I am in when everything gets out of hand.

Back then, I went straight into function mode. I was there for the person, made sure that things kept going, told them that all would be okay in a mantra-like way and that it was alright for me to settle everything. I didn’t feel how I was doing.

Now I do feel it and it hurts. It nearly keeps me from breathing and it’s difficult for me. But I know it’s a step forward – and above all, I know that I can cope.

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