Twelve months ago I couldn’t keep going anymore. I was in a very bad place and literally don’t remember November 2014 to January 2015. A year ago I had to stay at home from work for two months. Working was impossible, I don’t know how I even kept going for as long as I did. Getting up in the morning felt like running a marathon. Doing the shopping made me feel so scared that it could take a few hours. I cried, I cut, I panicked.
So what now, what changed over the last year? I still feel vulnerable, I know it takes only little things to push me back to where I was. I constantly have to avoid triggers, try to relax, and I still try to figure out who I am by dressing up differently every day.
BUT: I achieved so much over the last year and that’s what I have to focus on and be grateful for. I got a better job and moved in with my partner. A little tomcat moved in as well. I learned a lot in therapy, however short it might have been. I’m really good at autogenous training and getting better at protecting my inner child (and therefore myself). I had many heart-to-hearts that I hadn’t thought possible and I don’t take any medication although my doctor was convinced that it was necessary.
Seeing all that in one text makes me feel confused. After all that cannot be me, I can’t be this person who got that far when a year ago I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again. Of course, I still often think that this would be so much easier but getting better doesn’t take as long as it once did. All the symptoms are still there and as intense as they used to be but most of the time they go away much faster and that saves me a lot of energy. A year ago I was a complete wreck. I don’t know what I am now but I am much better in a very fragile way. It could all collapse within a second but as long as I have it, I’ll protect and enjoy it.