Okay, I know, the title of this post sounds like I want to suggest that writing could be a replacement for therapy, which clearly it can’t – so please, if you or someone you know needs help by a therapist, please go and get it.
What I want to talk about is just the surprising feeling that blogging helps me so much with my conditions, feelings, thoughts,…
When I started this, my foremost goal was to let people around me know what was going on as I’m not exactly brilliant at talking about it. I often felt as if I forced people to hear things they didn’t want to hear, so I reckoned it might be a good idea to let them read whenever they wanted to.
The second stage was that I felt that much information on BPD was either depressing, judging or even condemning which made me want to write a blog that shows that borderliner is not a word for monster.
And now I find myself getting so much out of this experience, I couldn’t have imagined – it’s not just that this way of writing makes me feel a little more light-hearted. Having all these thoughts in a kind of order comforts me so much and for the first time in my life I have actually made something of which I have the impression that it means something. And also all the response I get – so many people I know have contacted me and told me the most touching things. Of course, it’s hard for me to believe that other people are not as critical with me as I am but I’m just soaking up all these kind words. Even more surprising are the comments from other bloggers, I never would have thought that an online community could be so sympathetic and inspiring.
Wow, that was a lot more than I had in mind before I started writing but anyway – how is this comparable to therapy?
First of all, for everyone who doesn’t know: My therapy lasted for only half a year although two to three years had been planned originally. This was due to my loss of confidence in my therapist who in the end made it quite clear that she would get more money for listening to me if I paid her privately (my health insurance apparently wasn’t good enough for her). She actually wanted me to spend half (!) of my wages on therapy sessions and told me if I didn’t pay that amount, that would say a lot about my motivation. No need to say I felt like an idiot and couldn’t trust her anymore as she obviously didn’t care a lot for me as a person.
I don’t want to think in black and white, I don’t want to rant about her: She helped me a lot when I was really, really dashed to the ground and desperately needed help. But as soon as I got better, she increasingly put pressure on me that didn’t help but rather made me feel very insecure and vulnerable. To this day, I can hear her helpful voice in my head from the days when she was my crutch and I’m very grateful for that.
Anyhow, at the moment, blogging makes my life so much easier as I have a place for all the “loose screw”-stuff. My conditions do not have control over all of my life anymore because I found this constructive way of learning more about them. I actually go as far as saying that this is like therapy for me – most of the time, all the answers my therapist would have given are there as soon as i re-read my posts. And that is a huge success for me.