I am probably the only person in the world who was told to stop reflecting things all the time by a therapist. Before that, I always thought that reflecting is what it’s about – seeing everything from a neutral point of view, thinking of other opinions, not just doing what impulses tell me to. I am really good at that. So good that many people who know me can’t believe I’m a borderliner. I don’t go mad, I don’t shout, I am rational and contained. Which is what actually makes me sick.
I can’t shout at anybody (anymore) because as soon as I get angry, my reason starts choking me and tells me what we all know: “Shouting doesn’t change anything, look at the facts, stay calm and respectful.” Due to all the reflecting and being rational and looking at the arguments that everyone invloved might have I am unable to let out at least a slight touch of aggression. I can’t even hit a pillow. For years I was unable to cry, I even avoid loud breathing when I’m running up stairs because I think that nothing uncontrolled is allowed to come out of me. Because if it did, how could I stop it? Complete control or lots of shattered plates, once again I only see black and white. I can’t imagine that there is a way of letting out aggressions in a dosed way without being ashamed afterwards.
Conclusion: I bottle up just about everything, even if it starts harming me that way. Recently I reacted quite harshly to a comment a la “Look at your feelings from a neutral point of view. Reflect what you see and use your ratio to improve the situation.” For heaven’s sake, that’s what I do all day every day. And it destroys me. I can let my rational thoughts control my whole life to an extent where I don’t feel anything. I am the sort of borderliner who never shatters things, screams at anyone, drinks too much or cuts too deeply. Because I am in control. Isn’t that great – apart from forgetting how to be human.