Yesterday evening I had one of these moments where suddenly everything is okay. It sometimes happens and feels like surfacing after having been under water for a very long time. An incredible and fragile feeling. In those moments I can breathe without effort, I can focus on things without having to try hard. I can feel all parts of my body, even the lightest touch. There are no thoughts of suicide or cutting or anything else that seems sick. I can be sad or disappointed but it doesn’t get out of hand as usual. And I just do what other people do, like putting lotion on my hands, without wondering whether this is really necessary and whether I deserve it – just like that. Like it goes naturally and nothing has ever been wrong. In those rare moments I care for myself and I guess that’s the way other people feel all the time. My head stops screaming and all my thoughts and feelings are appropriate, no grey emptiness, no red-burning anger, no icecold fear…just pleasant, ordinary thoughts.
Those are also the moments in which I realize how different or sick my head is most of the time, when I get into this state of feeling “normal” I can see what it means to have BPD. And yet, I am so happy that I have those moments, rare as they might be – they show me that I am still capable of feeling just like everyone else. That I can enjoy touching my body for something that is not really necessary (like washing hands). That I can see colours without a grey filter. That I can listen to music without arousing extreme feelings of all sorts. I know that all these things might sound like nothing but imagine not having them for days, months, even years…and then suddenly waking up like it was all just a dream and start living instead of existing.
I don’t know how long it will last but I am so grateful for this moment yesterday.