Inspired by an everyday-example, I am writing about a topic that is sometimes mentioned in literature about BPD but somehow never really explained further: The inflexibility that borderliners might show when it comes to short-term changes of plans.
For example I like to spend as much time as possible with my partner on weekends. Most of the time we have something to do anyway but when there is a day that doesn’t show anything in our calenders I assume that there is actually nothing to do and start looking forward to one of these days where we just sleep until we wake up, have breakfast together and allow ourselves to drift all day long. Stupid thing for me to think that my partner (or other people, this is not just about him) has the same thing in mind. And when I am told the evening before that there actually are plans, which can mean that the other person has less time or I have something to do after all, my head starts the entire programm: I feel betrayed, get really angry and think that I don’t mean anything to the other person because if I did this wouldn’t have happened, right? By the way it doesn’t matter if I like what is planned after all or I get some time for myself which I mainly don’t like when it comes unexpectedly.
To cut a long story short: In order to cope with my chaotic emotional life, I really try to plan everything in advance. Especially when it comes to a seperation from an important person I want to be informed some time before it happens in order to be able to prepare for it emotionally – the more I am surprised the more my head starts going wild.
It gives people who don’t know the background (so pretty much everyone) the impression of me being extremely inflexible if they want me to do or not do something spontaneously as I react…well not amused….If I was in charge nobody would ever cancel anything and I would always know when, where and with whom I was about to spend time and how much time in between was left to keep me from getting an “Oh no, way too many people!”-fit. I am aware that this is not realistic at all and I am working on it. I also know that even the best plan doesn’t prevent unexpected things from happening so I guess what I want to say is that I need a sort of early warning for social contacts to feel comfortable and especially for seperations to feel bearable. And yes, this seems like I am the tyrann of all calenders, hats off to my partner ;)!