Recently, I’ve been struggling with something many borderliner know: I’m on a train and get nervous because I feel like everyone is watching me, that they can see something’s wrong with me or worse, something embarassing happens (like I get up and trip over because the driver brakes) and I think everybody laughs at me. I also relive those situations in flashbacks although I know on a rational level that such things happen all the time and probably nobody thought about it anyway.
It doesn’t have anything to do with the kind of paranoia that occurs when you have schizophrenia but it still is distressing. Even worse are situations where I have to interact with somebody in public (for example when I had to sell things at work) – I think that all the people around are watching and thinking how weird I am. I don’t have that feeling all the time, sometimes I am as self-confident as I seem to appear to the people around me and then I don’t think about it at all. And it never happens when I’m with other people.
Also at work I constantly fear that somebody could think I’m terrible at my job and should be sacked. This is quite encumbering and in most cases there is no reason for it at all (that is if I can believe what my colleagues say).
My therapist always said that it is me who thinks all that stuff, not the others – distorted self-image and so on. So my head just makes me believe that others think about me what’s actually just my impression of myself.
Might be true but I don’t know what to do about it cause if I boost my ego with rational stuff I end up defining myself just by my certificates which isn’t a good thing either. But how in hell am I supposed to feel that nobody but me thinks I suck? A mystery to me…