Yesterday, I slowly came back from my huge grey cloud. Today, I feel small and easily startled, a little scared and mainly terribly vulnerable. Once I read (and I don’t remember, where it was), that borderliners are people whose skin has third-degree burns all over the body, only emotionally. Days like today make me agree with that comparison. You just have to tip me emotionally and I roar with pain, fear, anger and helplessness…
It always hurts to start from scrap again without being able to cross off what happened but nevertheless, I prefer this physically choking emotional chaos if the alternative is emptiness. I think a lot about abuse, physical and emotional boundaries, distance and the privilege of allowing closeness. It’s a fight against what happened in the past, what should have happened…or not, on the other hand it’s trying to handle the consequences. The question of what I could have done and what I can still do better today. Fighting against the little voice that wants me to think that I am worth less because of the stuff that shouldn’t have happened but did happen anyway…All that nearly knocks me off my feet, it is hard to think about and the pressure to hurt myself is high – at the moment, I divide my day into ten-minute-intervaly, I have been doing that with hours, days, even weeks, at the moment, I am back to: You can still do it in ten minutes, ten more minutes over and you made it…until I fall asleep.
And yet I know that I can’t adjourn it much longer. I have wasted too many oppurtunities to learn coping with all these things already, I will always find excuses not to. But at the end of the day that will cost as much energy as making a to-do-list with things that could help me to spend less time wondering what could habe happened during the memory lapses in my childhood.
As usually on one of these days I hear my therapist’s voice that tells me: As long as you hurt yourself, you will be the victim. On every single day that you spend directing you anger against yourself instead of being angry with the people who were responsible, you bottle things up that you’ll have to spit out in order to carry on.
I know that is true. And I hope I will get to the point where I’ll feel it as well. The worst is behind me, all I can do now is not making the same mistake over and over again. And I don’t feel like playing the victim any longer.