Muddling along…

…Last week I wrote a short text about emptiness and I am still not completely back from wherever I am when emptiness hits me. Yet, I know that a lot is going on inside me right now, even though I can’t really access all that stuff. I spent a lot of time with my partner’s family over the last few days, and as usual, it does something to me. In my family, most people meet because they kind of have to and there are lots of taboos that nobody ever talks about. Also, my family is torn – there are various parts of what I am supposed to call family, or rather families that don’t connect at all…except for me being there and somehow making a link that makes everyone uncomfortable. I started to divide those people into relatives (the people I share genes with but don’t really feel connected to) and my family (a smaller bunch of people that also includes some persons that I am not actually related to).

My partner gets a little confused with all the trap doors because his family is completely different. I am still searching for the skeleton in the cupboard because they all seem so..together. I don’t know how to explain, of course they have problems and they sometimes argue but they all seem to spend time together because they actually want to. And nobody tells anyone to do something because somebody else would prefer that, it’s just all so real, so earnest, they are not acting like my relatives do all the time. Everytime I spend time with them, I have to cry in the evenings and I don’t really know why. It just touches me at a place where nothing else has done so ever before. Probably, that family is the reason for my partner being so incredibly awesome.

I try to grasp what I feel all the time…confused – definitely. Sad – maybe but I fear that I will appear envious if I admit that. Glad that I can be a part of this – yes, but at the same time, I think that they will see through me and not want me anymore some day. So it’s just all chaos, I go from wanting to cut in order to shut all that thoughts in my head up to wanting to hug everyone in an instant. But all that from a distance because I’m still not back, a part of me is sitting in that empty place all the time. It watches what’s going on, it shakes its head, it doubles over in pain and it laughs at me a second later. It’s cynical and hurt, it wants me to destroy myself, it’s relentness and pathetic at the same time.

Again, I do not know what I want to tell you with this text, but I notice that BPD seems to play a smaller role in my everyday life since I started to blog. It feels like this is the time and place for all that thoughts and sometimes they actually stay here instead of sticking around in my head 24/7. So I guess – thank you for being my therapists, you all do a great job listening to, or rather reading this 😀

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