…this weekend, my partner is going to visit his parents which means I am on my own in our flat (that was his before I moved in) for the first time. And already I find myself calling lots of people to ask them if they have time for me, looking up movies they play in the cinema and so on…I am not afraid of being at home alone, in fact I know that some time to myself will be a good thing.
Nevertheless, I know that I often feel as if I wasn’t there when I’m on my own. If I don’t keep myself busy then, I just start feeling so empty. I can’t chill out on my own – it’s either doing stuff all the time (reading, household chores, doing the shopping, working,…) until I get so tired I just fall asleep. Or it is emptiness, wandering around invisibly and not being sure about being alive at all. Worst case scenario: I cut in order to know I’m there. I keep telling myself that it’s just one weekend, just two nights and that I’ll manage. Everything’s going to be just fine. And I’m angry with myself for being so clingy and dependant.