I have no idea who I am

There are lots of complicated explanations as to why borderliners don’t have a stable self-image, always need a mirror and seem to change their mind all the time.
You are very welcome to read articles on that because I can just tell you what it feels like for me.

When I get up in the morning, I pick some clothes. I don’t think about them in order to make me look godd but in order to give me a role for the day. There is a version in jeans and old T-Shirts that are too large for me, a verion in skirts with flowers in my hair and so on…what I want to say is that I feel as if I WAS that role, and I can’t imagine ever feeling different again…at least for a few hours.

Many borderliners (including me) are constantly afraid that people might see through them as they feel as if they were just pretending to be something or someone. The only orientation we have are the reactions of our surroundings. They tell us, who we are – that explains why many people with BPD do not have the best opinions about themselves…

As I have clear views about many things such as ethics or politics, it is hard to imagine that I do not have a stable image of myself but for me it feels as if I am a different person every day, depending on who I spend my time with and what I’m wearing. I can tell you, what I do, so I kind of know what I am capable of on a rational level. But I don’t have a feeling for what I AM – am I my name? My clothes? My job? My partner? A mixture of all those? I honestly have no idea…there are so many different aspects of me that I can’t get hold of them, I can’t see the whole thing.

The more I think about it, the more confused I get so that is probably the best explanation I can give.


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