It can be a feeling of complete emptiness and numbness, without any escape. Like tunnel vision in a huge, grey cloud that you can’t get out of.
That feeling can be broken by an incredible anger, a wrath really, out of nothing, because you can’t find your keys or miss the bus.
But this overwhelming anger cannot be gotten rid of by shouting or throwing something – it stays on the inside, turns against you and forces you to hurt yourself.
That is not the only oppurtunity to hurt yourself, though. cutting also helps when you are unable to get back into your body for days and hours, when you have been watching your hands working and heard your voice speaking for an eternity without being able to say “That’s ME!”…You will not feel pain then, but the blood shows you that you are alive.
Then there is this huge fear of being alone – the longer you are on your own, the emptier you get.
Nevertheless, it is often impossible to be with other people. When there are too many of them, you can just think “I want to get away from here” – too much assails you, you are scared.
Your dreams seem to be real and humiliating memories come back as flashbacks, over and over again.
But the worst is the fear of losing someone you love. When you are focused on somebody, it would be the end of your world to lose that person. The phrase “I can’t live without you,” might sound corny, but it is sad reality for you. And still you keep hurting exactly those who are important to you because nobody can fulfill your hopes. If someone hurts you, you start striking out.
Sometimes you are enthusiastic like a child and sometimes you just want to end your life.
It’s black and white, it’s up and down within seconds. Either – or, never AND. How do you deal with it when nobody understands? Playing roles, hiding behind masks. Every day, you create a new person with the clothes that you pick. Depending on your surroundings, you play a role and show them a different person every day – another facet of something that you cannot bond to a whole that you could call ME.
Every job, flat, nearly every relationship sooner or later becomes a corset that is too tight, that you want to get rid of, just to start something new – enthusiastically at first, but it will get boring. The point will come, where you don’t want to function any longer and you’ll flee…to start over and over again.
And it makes you so tired to explain…but still you hope that someone will understand.
That is borderline.